


Mourn With The Moon and the Stars

by smolchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x23 coda, Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry Castiel, Its heartbreaking and terrible and Im sad and now youre sad and everyone is upset, M/M, This is how I come to terms with this awful thing, one of my many interpretations of Dean's reaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 14:31:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10946481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolchester/pseuds/smolchester
Summary: His best friend. His family. The person - Cas was apersonto him - he loves. Gone. Dead. No longer on his plane of existence.And Dean can't breathe.





	Mourn With The Moon and the Stars

Dean can hear Sam’s hurried footsteps as he runs into the house, but only faintly.

His eyes hurt, his chest aches, and the world is oddly peaceful where he is. The crickets manage to make themselves heard as they sound across the lake. It’s an almost beautiful sight, to be lakeside with the evergreens and so far from civilization. The atmosphere is so serene with the exception being what lay before Dean.

In reality, Castiel is actually very peaceful. Dean has no idea how much it hurt, the pain he was in, before he just ceased to be. He’s not sure if the last thing Cas saw was their relief as he came back to them or their horror as he was murdered. Dean doesn’t know how the mechanics of angel death work. He is sure of how he feels, if he can even attempt to say that.

His best friend. His family. The person - Cas was a _person_ to him - he loves. Gone. Dead. No longer on his plane of existence.

Dean stares at Cas’ still figure. The finality of seeing his wings, his exquisite wings, charred into the ground makes it hard to breathe. He wishes with nearly all he can that Cas hadn’t healed his leg because the physical pain would allow him to feel something tangible. Seeing the empty vessel of the once mighty Castiel hurts Dean in a way he can’t quite explain.

His world is crashing. The world around him is quite possibly crashing. He wouldn't know the latter, nor does he care really. It’s all hyperfocus now.

Dean falls from his knees to the ground beside him and lets out a gasp. He’s crushed. He hurts all over yet has no feeling at all. He feels an emptiness he can only compare to those many years ago when Cas disappeared into the lake. He had no time to mourn then. He had a flicker of hope.

He wonders if Cas felt the same way about him. If the roles were reversed, would he mourn this tremendously? He never asked about the brief period he was dead. He never asked about when Cas and Sam thought he killed himself to destroy Amara. Dean didn’t even think about it. Feelings were not his “thing”. Too many words left unsaid.

Dean knows Cas loved them both. He said so. But did he love him in the soul crushing way Dean is coming to terms with now so harshly?

Dean shuts his eyes and squeezes them tight. His breathing is labored and he feels he might just die right then and now. Both their bodies, side by side, hands brushing each other if his fall is lucky. It seems like an almost pleasant idea now, compared to the ache Dean _knows_ will never fade. He resigns himself to it. Eyes still shut, head beginning to feel that lightheaded ache, Dean thinks of Cas’ smile. That one you rarely see but shines like constellations.

Sam’s sudden yell for him rips him from his stupor.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I'm upset, you're upset, and it all sucks. This is how I'm trying to cope with shitty character treatment just for the angst - with more angst? It's all heartbreaking and I want to thank my trusty beta reader [deaniesmith](http://archiveofourown.org/users/deaniesmith) for again reading through my shit at midnight and feeling the pain too.


End file.
